Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
