drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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