Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
