Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
