Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
