Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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