Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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