News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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