I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize