There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
