why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
