he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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