You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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