No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
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My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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