My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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