My room smells like vodka and shame
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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