I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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