I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
