Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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