mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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