Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
