So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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