ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
