i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
