i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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