he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
