I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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