The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
