Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
