U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
