Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
