im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
