my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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