Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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