News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Drunk is not a location!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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