So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
