Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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