We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
