I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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