Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
