totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
