Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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