rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
