Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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