You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
