My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
