My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My bed smells like the plague
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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