why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
