my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
