In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
