I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
