My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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