When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
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