My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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