'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
